My perspective on #METOO

#metoo Dec 08, 2017

Yes. It has happened to me too; not once or twice, but over and over again. It has probably happened more times then I could count. I see it around me every day. In fact, it is everywhere; it is so thick upon us we can’t really perceive the full extent of it. It is like trying to explain what water is to a fish.

I encounter this in my sessions—with couples and with individual women and with men. It is all around us, and we are all a part of the problem. The question is, are we ready to be a part of the solution?

I have been a woman who has lived life to a great extent and explored sexuality at a deeper level than most around me. I believe our sexuality is clearly misunderstood, and we all share the confusion.

First of all, most women are not really aware of their own bodies. I’m not saying this to be mean, I’m saying this based on my own real-life experiences and the healing journey that I have been on through my own obscure sexuality. It took me years to obtain clarity, but when I found it – and when it came – it was crystal clear!

At the beginning of my sex life, I had sex for I wanted boys to fall in love with me. I wanted them to get hooked on to my pussy, give me their heart. It never worked out. It was only a way to hurt myself, so that I could feel righteous in my low self-worth, and I used it to punish myself. I used sex the same way how some cut themselves or stop eating or indulge in overeating.

As I grew out of my worst teenage insecurities and stepped into my twenties, I traded sex for security. I met my ex-husband, and I had sex with him as often as needed for an acceptable intimate relationship. I had thought that one partner and later getting married and having children would help me find happiness, but at some point, it all crumbled, and we separated. The friendship was there, but the intimacy was gone – I could not settle with just being a friend and mother. My heart longed for more.

That is when I found tantra, and I thought it was the answer to my dreams. Thrugh this exploration I met a lot of cool people on the journey to healing their sexuality find the meaning of life. The concept of unconditional love was introduced to me together with the concept of being a sexually free being and exploring without boundaries – to surrender and give yourself up to something bigger. And I did. I tried my best to be without boundaries and have multiple partners and love them all unconditionally. However, little by little, my body contracted and having sex started to hurt again, like it did before tantra. I thought there was something seriously wrong with me all the way till I started really listening to my body, and she told me she did not feel safe!

It turned out that the love that was supposed to be unconditional was based on a myriad of conditions. The only acceptable thing for women in this environment was to actually be a sex toy for men to play with. It was said that women were to serve men and that woman were naturally very, very horny. Well, I did not feel very horny, and I was accused of being rigid, or off, or wrong. Where was the unconditional love for a woman looking for answers to her own true sexuality and not wanting to follow the rules of the community? I could not find them there, so I had to leave.

So I left once again – I left all my friends, my “family”, my community, my playground. I could no longer stay; I had to go out on my own. I had to figure this one out on my own.

I had some lovers, some intense meetings, and some good experiences. My sexuality started to heal, but I was still confused after encountering sexual trauma in the tantric community. After a while, I decided to go into celibacy. I decided I had to figure out what sexuality really was for me. I had to understand that my sexuality was considerably different than I had thought. It was not about having a secure relationship; it was not about having multiple partners or securing love and approval from others. Through the practice of tantra, my body had changed. I had increased contact with my genitals and the deeper sexual life-force energy. All the falsity of my sexuality had faded away. The first thing to go was faking orgasms, which I had been doing to please my partners in the early days. The next was trying to have sex for comfort. Then, sex as a prize for finding love stopped, and at last, pretending to please a partner in any way went away totally. There was no fakeness. It was only me and the stillness inside – the true nature of my body, my core, and my truth.

It has not been an easy journey to get to this point. I have spoken to many, many men – both those I have had sexual relationships with and others. Truth be told; men are ignorant about women's bodies more than women are.

For most of my life, I have wanted to meet a lover who knew my body better than I did! But, come on, that is not likely to happen. Moreover, why would I not want to know my own body? Why would I not want to know my body so well that I can give my lover the gift of telling honestly how my body works?

In my months of celibacy, I studied my body, and I spoke to my body. I let my womb communicate and teach me about women's sexuality. I let her tell me how our natural sexuality is supposed to function and how she is connected to my heart and my clarity; how the center of clarity (the mind), love (the heart), and intimacy (the genitals) needed to be open and connected in order to achieve true intimacy with another; how most men and women miscommunicate, meeting only in the genitals or only in their hearts – or even attempt to meet one from the heart and another from the genitals; how this wordless miscommunication fosters confusion in the mind and spills into our relationships, contaminating our intimacy and our everyday lives together.

I found that the deep feminine does not want her sexuality on display. She’s at home with being a sexual being, but she does not have the need to shout it out to the world. She knows that sexuality is in her nature, and it is a gift she gifts her partner. She knows that she is not to lose herself into a sexual relationship, but she is to find her own divinity, her strength, and her nature. Her sexuality is not something a man can buy or beg for; it is something only she can give willingly when she feels safe enough to open. If you try to control her, she will leave you. She appreciates your attention, but she does not need it – she knows her self-worth and the worth of her natural feminine sexuality. If you meet a women like this, listen to her for she can teach you many, many things about life.

It is a gift to understand how conscious sexuality can be used to communicate perfectly on the nonverbal level. Finding a partner who is ready and mature enough to explore this depth of knowing is still in my future.

Most women I encounter are not aware of their own sexuality. They are still using their sexuality to please their partners. Most men are not willing to listen and explore the depth of female sexuality. But we are in an age of change. The #METOO campaign shows how far off-track we are when it comes to sexual communication;  words are not the best medium to communicate. Our true intimate communication takes place at a much deeper level than our worlds can cope with. It is imperative for us to start listening with our instincts, our bodies, our hearts, and our clarity to enable us to get out of the corner we have shunned ourselves into sexually.

We are maturing as a species; if we were not; we would not have heard about the #METOO stories. We are preparing to handle this now. Women are ready to mature into their true, independent, and natural sexualities. Men will come around to listen and find their own true and nurturing sexuality at some point. Once we all know and love our own bodies, the sexual confusion will be gone.

Ingunn Tennbakk
Oslo International School of Conscious Sexuality

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